Your Jealousy
by slenderpanda597
Summary: Protectiveness can be an endearing trait. But it can also be incredibly stifling.


(a/n – I've been listening to Should've Gone Home by Måns Zelmerlöw a lot, and thinking of AUs. This materialised, and I apologise now for it. Please remember it is an AU and so Spike may be slightly OOC from what he is like in the series, and this is not me condoning cheating on your significant other, even if they are as awful as April.)

Your Jealousy

"I saw that woman looking at you in the supermarket, Spike," April's voice is high pitched and whiny, and Spike cringes at it. He's lived with her for over two years now, and proposed, though the wedding has not officially happened yet because they can't afford it. He's crumbled to her demands and taken up an office job in the council tax office, and so spends his days crunching numbers from nine until five, earning a semi-decent wage in the process. April, she doesn't do all that much, despite forever promising that she's looking for a job, blinking at him with those deep brown eyes which he once thought were so endearing. She's jealous when women look at him, and sometimes, he loves her jealousy. He loves how protective she is of him, how she is so utterly devoted to marrying him. But that's only sometimes. Sometimes, he feels stifled by her restrictions. He feels stifled by how he can't write to Ted, how he can't meet her friends. He misses Maplin's. He looks up tiredly to see her stood looking down at him like a patronising nursery teacher would stare at an insolent pupil. He smiles at her, and she flops onto his lap, and he feels himself warming again, and wondering how he could have ever doubted his love for her.

Spike is sat at a bar on his own. April is at a friend's birthday party at a hotel in the city, and he has been brought along too, though he can't meet her friends. He's sat sipping a cocktail and humming along to the music which is being played, mulling over his feelings. A hand creeps up his neck and over his eyes, and a familiar voice is asking him to guess who. He recognises that voice, and all of a sudden finds himself smiling. He turns and grins at who is before him, and gasps. For the woman before him is most definitely Peggy Ollerenshaw, but an even more radiant version of the chalet maid, if that were at all possible. Her curls are longer now, and her eyes have an extra twinkle about them. She is radiant in all senses of the word, and oh so confident, Spike notices. He's not quite sure what's taking over his body, mind and soul, but he's flirting with her and she's responding and they're laughing so very, very much, like they used to back before April and offices and marriage for Spike. She's babbling on about the local theatres and speculating over which show he will be in and Spike doesn't correct her, he lets her believe that he's the star he wanted to become. The star that she's evidently become as now she's discussing her role in a chorus line and she's evidently thrilled about it. Maybe he's had too much to drink, maybe he has taken leave of his senses but all of a sudden he's inviting her up to the hotel room that he is sharing with April while she's with her friends, since he knows she won't be finished her party lifestyle until the early hours of the morning at the earliest.

Peggy is everything he had ever dreamed she would be, back when he was tempted to ask her to join him for dinner but never plucked up the courage, and she became involved with the pudding chef. She's more confident in herself now; she's found her footing in the world of show business and realises just how desirable she is. When she touches him, he feels happy again, like he can pretend that April doesn't exist and he is a successful performer. And Peggy is just a delight. Her personality, her body, her voice. When he is kissing her, he feels as if he is kissing a woman, and it is right, whereas when he kisses April, he feels as if he is kissing a girl, and it is wrong. Somewhere in the back of his brain he knows that what is wrong is what he is doing with Peggy, and that he has broken the trust he had with April, who he is going to be marrying at some point. When they are lying next to each other, his arms around her waist and her head against his chest, she breaks the silence.

"So, Spike, what are you doing?" He turns away and tells the truth, because Spike has never been able to lie to Peggy. He explains how he is engaged to April, who will be coming to the hotel room if she does not find him by the bar. He explains how he has a job in the council tax office because April wants him to pay for an outlandish wedding. And he explains something which he has never explained to anyone before. He explains how miserable he is. He yearns for the stage, to have people laugh at his jokes and beg for more because they find him so funny. He explains how April never laughs at his jokes when he tries to make them, because in her opinion they are childish and she wants to marry a man and not a buffoon. He explains how satisfied Peggy has made him feel. She sits and strokes his hair tenderly, and when he is done she takes a piece of paper from her handbag and writes something on it. He puts it in his wallet, and Peggy kisses him.

"Everyone makes mistakes, Spike. And sometimes what the right thing is, is actually all wrong." Then she leaves the room and walks away from him, and away from his life. He puts his pyjamas on and climbs under the covers. Guilt consumes him and he falls asleep with nothing but his thoughts for company.

When he wakes up, April moans because he wasn't at the bar. He does something which he has not done to April before: he lies to her, tells her a fabricated reason. He expects her to see through him, and to hurt him. But she doesn't, she buys the lie and turns her attentions back to the wedding she dreams of. As he settles the bill at reception, a scrap of paper nearly falls out of his wallet, and he catches it, looking at it. The familiar handwriting on the paper, telling him a phone number which he knows April would not approve of him having. He tucks it into the pocket at the front, behind a photo of April, the irony deafening his conscience.

It takes a few months for him to even dare to call the number. He is pushed to it out of desperation and frustration. April has gone on holiday with some friends, and Spike has nothing to do for the weekend. He calls it from the phone box a few streets away to avoid recognition, and when he hears Peggy's voice on the other end he smiles into the receiver, and finds himself boarding a bus which heads to a residential suburb on the edge of the city where a lot of actors all reside, renting cheap rooms in large houses. Peggy meets him at the door and takes him to her room, where once again, he lets himself be overcome by the passion of the moment. Peggy is everything he remembered her to be, if not better, and he forgets all about the lies which he has thought of to tell April if she finds out he has left the house when she strictly told him not to. Peggy is gentle with him, treating him like she might have done a box of washing soap which potentially had some sort of fault on the inside despite its outward appearance being fine. She doesn't judge, and she doesn't push him into telling her things he finds uncomfortable. He feels so at ease, lying with her in his arms, pouring his soul out to her as she listens and offers advice, but never criticisms. How times have changed, he thinks bitterly. Peggy is now the performer, the carer, the confident one, and it is Spike who has become a piece of nothing within society, burdened by the rules of another. She kisses him before he leaves, and tells him that he is always welcome, always. Spike thanks her profusely, and returns home feeling slightly less downbeat, but nervous at the thought of the woman he loves returning home after her holiday.

April wants to know how much money he has saved for their wedding. He tells her a rough estimate of the sum, and she complains because he has not been keeping proper books for what she deems is 'the biggest and mostest important thing to happen, Spike!' in a petulant tone. She becomes jealous again, accusing him of getting distracted by another woman, reeling names of potential women who Spike may have got involved with. He lies, and tells her excuses of how he is trying to focus upon the council tax sheets because then maybe he will get a pay bonus which he really wants because he loves her, honestly, and wants the money to give her the wedding she dreams of. In his chest, his heart is beating rapidly, and all he can think of is Peggy, and how beautiful and caring and undemanding she is compared to the woman he is living with. He stares at the wall of their bedroom at night, questioning where it all went wrong, where April turned from a naïve darling into a demanding nightmare. Everything has become what Spike did not want to happen, what he tried to escape. He wants to perform. And April will not let him. April, who is too busy seeing friends and putting rules upon Spike to bother earning some money for the wedding which she is constantly reminding Spike that she wants. He remembers a time where he would defend April with every bone in his body, and he could do nothing but sing her praises. Now, he has to wonder if that was ever justified. The features he once found cute are now irritating, and he feels more and more dragged down by his job. He has never been known to be reckless, and yet, Spike finds himself calling that number again, and lying to April about a sudden work meeting he has in the opposite borough on a Saturday. As he kisses her goodbye, his soul feels lighter, and while he is on the bus towards the house in the suburbs, he realises that it is not kissing her that made him feel so happy, but rather the place he is going, and who he will be seeing. It is a dangerous game which he is playing, a very, very dangerous game. And yet, all of a sudden, Spike finds that he is addicted to playing it, if only to keep himself feeling sane and in control of his choices. April has pinned him down for so long that the glimpses of freedom and openness he gets whilst with Peggy are the most appealing things in the world. Especially because she's so completely and utterly desirable, both in body and personality.

It is as a result of this, that when April is next seeing her friends, over the next few months, Spike is inclined to call the phone number, and pay a little visit to Peggy. He would invite her to his home, but it is too risky, lest April find out, and furthermore, it is not a happy place for him anymore – it is filled with reminders that at some point, he is going to have to marry April, and she will become the new Mrs Dixon. That thought does not rest easily with Spike.

It's been nearly a year now that Spike has been sneaking around with Peggy on and off. He knows that he should go home and stay there when April wants him to because she is out, but the lure of the peace he can get with Peggy is just too tempting. April's friends are having another birthday party, and she has made Spike go along again and sit at the bar. He was tempted to phone Peggy, but April told him too late for him to be able to make the excuse, and so he sits, sipping at a glass of water and people watching. He thinks he is seeing things when Peggy appears in the bar, and approaches him. He buys her a drink and asks what she is doing at the location. She smiles.

"A year ago today I came here and saw a handsome devil sitting at the bar, and I thought I would try my luck again," she smiles warmly, and Spike feels himself falling for her like he fell for her all those years ago, before April even worked at the holiday camp. He heads over to the lifts, Peggy with him, and pushes the button. His hand has grabbed hers and he relishes how soft her touch is. The lift stops on a floor they don't need, and opens to reveal a couple kissing heavily, tumbling backwards into the lift as if nobody else in the world matters. He looks like he is trying too hard to look like he has money, she looks petite and blonde and like a cliché wannabe of a girl, who suddenly reminds him of

"April!" Spike's voice is strangled and his heart is being crushed as the couple break apart and he sees the woman who told him she was seeing friends staring at him, her wide eyes panicking and welling with tears. The man looks disgruntled and tries to touch April again, and it all becomes very clear to Spike very quickly. The weekends away with friends, the holidays. No wonder Spike could never meet her friends – there would be too much of a chance of her secret being exposed. April comes to her senses and fires abuse at Spike.

"Why are you not at the bar? Why are you coming up here with OH? I might have known you would pick a common trollop like Peggy!" Her voice is shrill and Spike hates it. He hates how he believed her and she was just playing a game which he was also playing, just more sympathetically to her feelings. He can feel the anger boiling inside his stomach.

"Peggy is not common nor a trollop, April!"

"You've hurt my feelings, Spike!"

"Hurt your feelings?! How do you think I feel, knowing you have betrayed me? It isn't right, and while I will admit that I have done wrong too, at least I didn't make excuses to go and have weekends away with Peggy! Sometimes, saying nothing is better than making excuses, April!" She starts to pout, and Spike knows that he has been played for a fool. She wanted money and a status, she never wanted him. He walks out of the lift with Peggy, who has done remarkably well to not say anything, he thinks. Grabbing his bags from the room he was going to stay the night in, he goes back to the lift. April stands before him, looking the picture of broken and sorry. He might have believed her, if the man staring greedily at her was not a stark reminder of how she has used him. Part of his heart reaches to her, and he kisses her once more.

"Goodbye, April."

He steps into the lift and descends downwards to a new life.

"I saw that woman looking at you in the supermarket, Spike," Peggy's voice is full of that warm accent, and pride. "She must have recognised you from the show, she must have done!" Peggy is full of excitement about the fact that Spike has got his first ever theatre role since giving up his job at the council tax office and taking his belongings from the home he shared with April. The first few months were difficult for him, and she appreciates that. Breaking off a proposal and realising that he would never be involved with April again took a while for Spike to get over. Despite all that she did, Peggy knows that Spike was very in love with April, and broken hearts take a long time to heal. But he found an audition for a comedy show for children, and they offered him the part of the narrator who ties the sketches together with witty one liners and funny costumes. Spike is finally on the mend, and Peggy is thrilled that she is there to see him regain his former glory as a performer. There is nothing as special as watching Spike Dixon perform, she thinks. He puts his heart and soul into his characterisation and truly makes him happy, unlike working in the council tax office. When the parents send him letters of thanks through the theatre, telling Spike how he effortlessly entertained their young ones, Spike is visibly pleased with how his life is turning out after the years spent with April draining his creative side. Peggy goes over to where he is sat and drops a bundle of clothes onto his lap. He leaps up, startled, and she laughs.

"I've done yer laundry! Now how about I change yer sheets?" He laughs and runs over to try and grab her, and she runs into the bedroom, squealing with childish delight, and it is as if she is a chalet maid all over again, with Spike chasing her around the chalet lines in his latest funny costume when there was a lull of an afternoon. He kisses her then, and Peggy realises what has changed since they were working at the holiday camp. She has always loved Spike, and there has never been anyone else for her, not really. Not even Rupert. When Maplin's shut down and he was no longer invested in making her favourite desserts and treating her to walks by the sea, the relationship fizzled out, and Peggy went to make her way in the city. Who knew that she would find the theatre and Spike? Not her, certainly. But now she has him, and she's perfectly happy to see him happy. Peggy's little unpoppable bubble is firm in its position around her life.

It's been a year since the breakup with April, and Spike thinks of it very little now, as he is perfectly content with Peggy and his new roles in children's theatre. He enjoys Peggy's company an awful lot. He's been mulling something over for a couple of months now, and is unsure how to approach the topic. He brings it up one morning when they are sat doing nothing in particular, just enjoying the stillness of being together and not at the theatre.

"Peggy?" She looks at him slowly.

"Spike?" He takes a deep breath. This could be the defining moment of his life.

"Peggy, how would you feel about marrying me?" He realises he is sweating, because he knows what he wants her answer to be. She look him straight in the eyes and his heart fills with hope for the future.

"No, Spike." Her answer is definitive and he feels his smile fade. She must notice, because she hurries to speak again. "I'm not saying I won't Spike, but it is still too soon after April, and I want to make sure that you're not just doing it because yer miss what you had with her. It's best that way for both of us." She kisses him softly, and Spike knows she's making sense. He was engaged to April for an awfully long time, and he doesn't plan on leaving Peggy anytime soon, so he supposes that he can wait until April is fully out of his mind, and he doesn't still hurt a little bit when he thinks of that evening in the hotel. For now, Spike thinks, he will cherish what he has. Spike has always been quite strict in his views about right and wrong. But now, after the joy he has gained from straying the path of what he believed was right, he is more open to other views. Peggy probably has something to do with that, but Spike is not complaining. One day, he thinks, he will marry her, and Peggy will become the new Mrs Dixon. That is a thought which sits happily with Spike. Though if anyone asks him where he met his wife, he will say they were old friends who met at a party. That's not completely lying.

-finite-

(a/n - so this is what happens when Sev is fed up of assignments and also wants to write something angsty due to the song I have been listening to. As stated before, yes the characters may be a tad OOC from the series, but this is an AU. And I wish to reiterate I am not justifying the themes portrayed, but I wanted to explore Spike in a setting that was out of his comfort zone, and to see where he would turn to in order to claim back some emotional stability. Sorry if it seems like there's a bit too much April-bashing in this. I tried to tone it down, I really did. Feel free to offer me your reviews and favourites or whatever, and I will try to go back to writing some more of Champions, since we are in the depths of my headcanon now with recent updates. Also, I don't own Hi-de-Hi! or any of the characters used. Thanks for reading!)


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